There are two ways to personal growth: through observers and through self-evaluation. Many psychologists believe that they hold the key to analyzing their clients and prescribe the clients what to do. Many spiritual teachers believe that each of us hold the key to analyzing our Self and ask us to find guidance within (or from God). I try to keep a balance of both, because even though we are all born alone and will die alone, we live in this world as a part of the whole.
The way of the observers is useful for managing perceptions.
We start socializing at a very young age, and that is when we start inducing perceptions to others. There is no way we can stop our tools for perception, because they are biologically embedded in us (our senses). Our senses are wired differently from person to person, because they are all biological (nature). For example, some people have synesthesia (e.g. seeing colors while listening to music) and some people are extrasensory (e.g. feeling other people’s energy). Still, we all have common sensory functions: seeing what people display, hearing what people say, and feeling what the environment does.
Our mind is the one that completes this perception process, by sending signals from our senses to our cognitive function. This way, what people display and say are consciously perceived by us. Yet our minds are also structured differently from person to person, because they are heavily influenced by the environment where we grow up (nurture). For example, the way we feel natural while expressing our feelings in our native languages, or the way we automatically react to cultural differences in another country.
Since our minds are structured differently from each other, most of the time the interpretation of what someone displays or says depends on the perceiver’s mind. When this happens, it is useful to ensure that the interpretation matches what the person actually means behind the behavior displayed or the words spoken.
What we perceive from others actually says more about *how* we perceive it (how we translate it from our senses to our minds), and less about the *it* itself.
When we perceive something from someone, it also helps that we do not stop at just the perception. Look for the reasons behind those, because our perception may not always match the person’s situation. When someone perceives something from us, do not directly take it, because it speaks more about how they perceive us, and less about us. Take the how and dig the actual what. Ask that person to help you identify what is actually perceived and learn to know why the what is perceived that way. Both the subject and the perceiver need to refrain from judgment and use the perception to learn about each other.
To be able to learn from others, we need to understand ourselves first. We need to learn the core of who we are, so we have a good sense of Self.
The way of self-evaluation is useful for managing our sense of Self.
We were born alone, so we are equipped with Ego in order to survive in this world. The ego is a way to keep the boundary between our Self and others. Someone with a healthy ego is able to empathize with others, because they are not afraid of a boundary violation. An example of boundary violation is when someone is pushed to do something that they do not wish to do. Someone with a healthy ego sees the push as a request and understands that they can always say no or discuss options.
The sense of boundary is nurtured during our childhood, so a healthy child-rearing environment produces adults with a healthy ego. If we do not have a healthy ego, it is difficult to do self-evaluation. We feel “lack of X”(where X is an adjective) all the time, so our self-evaluation always results in “I need to be more X”. That is why, someone with an unhealthy ego may display narcissistic behavior or arrogance.
In order not to focus on the “lack of”, we need to be able to see our strengths in each opportunity of self-evaluation. How? By not jumping to conclusion too fast. Put yourself as both an observer and the object of your observation. Try to see your each action like a stalker who is curious to follow the next move of the stalked one. Find what impact is created by each action.
Get used to see your each action coupled with its consequence. When you cannot produce an expected consequence, do not blame yourself. Most of the time it is because of your own expectation. Treat this as a challenge “How can I meet the expected consequence?”, not as a “lack of”. This is where you can find growth opportunities.
How can organizations help their people with personal growth?
First of all, the organization needs to have a good deal of openness. Openness helps establish a framework where observers can give direct feedback to the ones who need to grow. With a direct feedback habit, different perceptions can be communicated clearly. This leads to two things: 1) allowing the observer to minimize the risk of giving misleading feedback; 2) helping the receiver to really understand the feedback in terms of expected consequences instead of reacting to the perceptions.
A good feedback needs to be given by the actual observers. Do not outsource your feedback-giving to a non-observer, because outsourcing a feedback ruins the quality of the feedback and risks a boundary violation. The indirectness creates a sense of distance that may lead to a notion of authority (power distance). Organizations can minimize this by encouraging observers to give direct feedback.
A good feedback may not always be well received. If the receivers are used to be in a hierarchical environment or work with authoritarian people, they might fear a violation of their own boundary. Because of this, they may not be able to take a direct feedback well.
Organizations need to explain to receivers that a direct feedback system exists to help both parties discuss perceptions underlying the feedback (two-way communication) instead of using the perceptions for mere labeling and judgment (one-way communication). If a receiver has too much fear of boundary violation, find a professional help.
As the organization is establishing a direct feedback system, equip the ones who need to grow with ways to do self-evaluation. If they cannot start with behavior focus, ask them to list down each “lack of”, and for each “lack of” list of actions. This list of actions translates the “lack of” to “How can I meet the expected consequence?”. This way, they focus on behavior instead of giving adjective (labeling, judgment) to themselves.
Behavior understanding leads to growth. Labeling/judgment leads to continuous feeling of “lack of”, leading to distorted sense of Self.
Ask them to also come up with “what to keep” for each “lack of”. Refrain from labeling. The coupling of what-to-keep and lack-of can be described in a more qualitative way, by understanding that a weakness can be a strength if managed properly, and a strength can be a weakness if used too much.
Strengths and weaknesses are simply two extremes of the same quality. Try to come up with one dimensional quality and evaluate the situations where it can come to the two extremes.
As a human being, I see myself as constantly growing. I am a work in progress. I love to take a part in anyone’s growth, because it also helps me learn about myself. If you have a feedback to what I wrote above, please do so in the comment section! Thank you.
